It's true what they say.
Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees…or something like
that. In truth, I don’t even know if
that is the right analogy for what I’m thinking.
Let me explain…
I woke up from another intense dream this morning. I was sweating and just plain worn out. Like I had worked out for the last 7
hours.
The dream involved me being back with my old family. It was my nephew’s wedding. Roanin and Rex were ring bearers. We were all in a hotel room. All the usual players were there. My dad stood out as being extremely
annoyed and very persistent in making sure that I was complying with whatever
needed to happen for others to be happy. He was nagging me about getting the boys
ready. About them behaving. About my appearance. About the ceremony, even, of which I really
had no idea about or no control over.
He kept making comments, and I felt myself dancing around,
just like I used to. Except this dream
was different in one way. The difference
was very dramatic and very noticeable to me.
I could finally see what was happening and hated it. I could feel each comment, each expectation
as if there were dull daggers being pushed into me. And although I continued to try to comb
Rexy’s unruly curls into submission and make Roanin leave his bow tie alone…I
mentally was fighting against it. And
for once in my entire life…I mean, honestly, the first freaking time…I felt
justified. Inside, I believed
myself.
This is big because although the past has hosted me noticing
and complaining about this family dynamic, I have never truly let myself
believe it. Not even when it got as bad
as it did. I never let myself believe
that I didn’t somehow deserve this spot.
I never stop believing that this was my place. I always did the dance because I believed
that I should. I wanted them to think I
was a good dancer.
But last night, in this dream, it was like I was watching
myself do the dance and I was sickened.
What the hell was I doing? Why
the hell was I acting like that? Why on
earth would I compromise myself and the lives of my children and the state of
my marriage to this garbage?
My counselor has suggested I have abandonment issues,
specifically with my dad. Because I am
afraid to disappoint people, and lose them, I do what I think they want because
I don’t feel like I deserve anything else.
I don’t deserve a voice.
I watched myself all night respond to the exact same dynamic
that has played out for the majority of my life. For some reason, in the dream, my lower back
became injured and completely wrenched up and I remember sneaking around the
hotel room searching for some sort of muscle relaxer to relieve the pain. But every time someone in the room suggested
something to me, I relented in my search and but their request first, despite
being completely hunched over and almost unable to walk toward the end of the
dream. I remember feeling not only
disgusted with myself and my behavior, but so frustrated.
When I woke up, breathless, I immediately felt completely
sick. I felt like I had just watched a
movie about myself, and that I was somehow both watching but also living the
role on the screen. It was the weirdest
feeling because there was such a contrast between the two Sarahs. And within just a few minutes of laying there
and getting my bearings, I figured out just who the two Sarahs were. The old Sarah and the new Sarah.
We just wrapped up a two week staycation which extended over
the entire holiday season. Simply put,
it was absolute heaven. It was just
Shawn and I and the boys, and we had absolutely no agenda. We spent all of our time being together,
sharing and listening, and just loving each other. We only left the house to accomplish fun
adventures and reveled in our peaceful time at home surrounded by just each
other.
Shawn commented after going back to work that it was the
best vacation that he had ever had. I
agreed, wholeheartedly. He explained
that he couldn’t believe that he and I had not had one disagreement and that I
was able to just really relax and sink into the whole “having nothing to do”
mentality we were subscribing to. I was
go with the flow. I was happy. And he was right…I didn’t even have to try,
it just came naturally. All my guards
were down, my expectations were in check and I was able to fully live in the
company of my family.
I think I have been here for a while. The staycation just highlighted what has been
going on for some time. I don’t actually
need the absence of a to-do list or blissful peace at home to be new
Sarah. I am still her on the days that
suck. I have actually turned into her
without ever feeling a triumphant cross of the finish line. And I am not finished, of course. But somehow and at sometime, I have crossed
over. From old to new.
And it was the visual of watching old Sarah from new Sarah’s
eyes that made me realize it. The
feeling of complete disgust and shock I physically felt watching shook me. It drained me. When I woke, I had the same physical and
emotional exhaustion that became normal for me when I was actually living
that. It is amazing how I had kind of
forgotten how it felt…but there it was-clear as a bell. My jaw was almost completely locked up from
tension. My stomach was in knots. And when I swung my legs to the side of the
bed to stand up, I realized that my lower back was so tight I had to lay back
down and stretch it out just to be able to stand up straight.
I am so thankful to be on this side. The physical reminder of my former self is so
reassuring. It demonstrates that not
only do I deserve happiness and love, but I am capable of living it and not
capable of looking back.
I finally am out of the trees and never want to see that
forest again.
