So, about that break. 

It is not as dramatic as I would have predicted.  In fact, I would have put large sums of money on the fact that my break would be the most over-the-top, dramatic, loud, wild, emotional and crazy that would be possible for a human.  And I waited, and waited, and waited...

Nuttin'.

Maybe 2 weeks ago, I started to feel something stirring.  Something I had not felt before.  It wasn't definitive, it wasn't clear.  It wasn't anything I could exactly put my finger on.  After a week, I mentioned to Shawn that I was feeling weird.  Like I something was brewing inside of me.  He encouraged me to tell him about it, but I couldn't even put it into words.  But holding off on words isn't really my thing, so I tried.  It went like this:

"I don't know...I feel like something is changing with me.  Something inside.  Something deep.  Like I want a change.  Like I want everything different." 

His guesses included the start of my period, the need for a babysitter, or maybe the long awaited break.  I told him to give me more time. 

The next week included more whispers from my soul.  Ones that I couldn't ignore.  Moments during the day where I had a clear question in my head of who I am.  Who the hell am I?  And the more I thought about it, the more I didn't know.  Sure I know the things most of us know...I am a decent mommy, attempting to be a good wife, an exerciser, an academic, a learning seamstress, an ok gardner and a dedicated friend.  I know I am anxious and that my go-to emotion is anger.  I know that I am disciplined and that I love routine.  I am a doer, not a dreamer.  I am an early-to-bed, early-to-rise kind of a girl.  But in all of this, I started to realize...I don't know who I am.  I don't know Sarah. 

My immediate plan was to think through who I want to be and then line up who I actually am with that as quickly as possible.  But herein lies the problem.  As much as I tried, I couldn't clearly figure out who I even want to be.  I couldn't describe what I love.  I couldn't articulate quickly the person I want to be me.  I know exactly what other people want me to be.  I know Roanin and Rexy want a fun, constant and interactive mommy.  I know Shawn wants a devoted and happy wife.  I know my friends want a rowdy girl with listening ears.  I know my ex-parents wanted a punching bag and a scapegoat.  I know my community wants a giving and compliant citizen.  I know my God wants a willing and faithful heart.  But I don't know what Sarah wants.  I never have.

And then I was chatting on the phone with a girlfriend and she made a comment that made me stop dead in my tracks.  She said that she had been reading my blog and that she felt bad because it seemed all rainbows and unicorns over in my house and that she is having trouble even enjoying her family each day.  She asked if that was truly how it was.  She remembered that I had committed to having a truthful blog, and wanted to make sure that what I was portraying was indeed, the truth.  I said yes, that things with the kiddos are that great.  And the house renovation is going great.  And that Shawn and I are really good right now.  BUT...what I didn't tell her was that I was ommitting the part that wasn't so peachy right now.  Inside isn't all rainbows and unicorns.  It's all dark, confused and mysterious.  The relationship I have with myself is what I am not currently writing about on the blog, and that is not being truthful or honest.  And you know why?  Because I writing about what everyone else wants to hear doesn't involve knowing what I want to write about.  It doesn't require me to know myself and then let that shine.

I.am.breaking.  I am finally breaking because I finally want to be Sarah.  I finally want to figure out who Sarah wants to be and then have a blast each day trying to make that happen.  So maybe this is why the break is not so much earth-shattering, but more of a disintegration of all the bazillion little cracks I have in my soul from living 36 years on other people's terms.  Meeting other people's expectations before knowing my own about my self and evaluating if I am willing to do that. 

So, you see...this break is amazing.  It is not a break-down.  It is a freaking break-through.  And you know how I know it is real?  Because it came up all by itself.  I came up with it all by myself.  It wasn't shoved down my throat by my father and step-mom as a way of improving...it wasn't read in a self-help book or a parenting magazine...it wasn't suggested by my husband as a way to be happy or given to me by a friend as a way that she figured it all out.  It was by me, and only about me.  Which is exactly what the problem is about.

Hold on for the ride of your life, folks.  You are going with me.

Change

Soooooo, there is something a brewin' over in my neck of the woods.  Something huge.  Something slow but steady.  Something monumental.  Something that is rocking my world (I hate that phrase...but let's just say the shit is crazy).

For YEARS, Shawn has been wondering when I was going to break.  You see, I am what you would describe as an axious person.  Wound up tight.  Easily flustered.  I have always struggled with this.  As far back as I can remember, I have almost been able to see my emotions when I look at the thin skin on my inner wrist, given how close they are to the surface.  They have controlled me and controlled my actions.  Shawn is more of a laid back person, and although he is not the same, he gets me.  I am not sure it is from the PhD level education I have given to him through exposure, if he is just intuative, or if he has struggled with a glimpse of it himself in the past --but the boy gets me.  No one else gets me like he does.  So, after watching me ride the crazy anxiety rollercoaster to which I have had a season's pass EVERY YEAR OF MY LIFE since we have been together, he has predicited for some time that I wouldn't be able to keep this up.  That I would break. 

There is good news and bad news.  The bad news is...I haven't broken.  The good news is that I have learned a lot without breaking (including figuring out that I am shockingly strong at taking self-abuse and am not a quitter.  Go me!).  Along with being anxious, I have always been a self-analyzer.  Always wondering if what I am doing is working (and if the answer is no, continuing the behavior, apparently.).  So the last 36 years have been full of lots of lightbulb moments about my flaws, but a clear yuck-o pattern in the way that I react and generally feel inside. 

The last several years have encompased the complete divorce of my relationship with every member of my nuclear family, two cross-country moves, the birth of two children, the death of three unborn souls, saying goodbye to a dozen animals, and the closure of one career and the beginning of a new one.  Kinda a lot.  But still...no break.  About one zillion cracks, but not one clear break. 

Until now.  I.am.breaking.
 :::

Before and After - The Living Room

So we are neck-deep into this whole "renovate your entire home while you are simultaneously living in it and raising small children in it" thing.  I thought it was time for a little update. 

You remember this post where I showed you the ghetto conditions we started off with, right?  Well, we have a few rooms that are finished...this being the first.  This is what we label as our "formal living room," although you should note that the chick typing the word "formal" counts chipping her front tooth on a wine bottle and picking up a live opossum from her dining room floor with a snow shovel (crazy story to come) as two of her best experiences of the last 5 years.  I'm just sayin'.  Not too formal.

When we were packing to move to Omaha, we got rid of as much as we could to really give ourselves a fresh start.  We sold, gave away, and threw away furniture and clutter in hopes that we would get a new style and a new look in our new home.

This little pew was a craigslist find.  The couple told me I could have this antique church pew for free if I came and picked it up.  For FREE!  There was nothing that was going to stop me from picking up that gem.  So while Shawn put the boys down for bed, I took his truck and drove to the house.  They had told me they would be gone, but left it on the front porch for me.  Once I found the location, I greeted the agreed-upon pew.  All SEVEN FREAKING FEET OF IT.  People....Shaquille O'Neal could have napped on this thing.  And when I went to lift one side it felt like he was napping on it.  Somehow I figured out how to hoist that sucker into the bed of the truck, close the tailgate and have it make it home...all by my lonesome.  I came out of it with sweaty pits, what felt like a mild hernia, and a year's worth of payment into the swear jar.  Oh, and a free pew.  We cut it in half and re-attached the arm

and voila!  Uncomfortable but stylish seating!

This was the before.  You can't see too well, but the walls had floral cream wallpaper with lavender trim.  The ceiling was a product of the 70's brainchild - popcorn texturing!  We had that stripped, remudded, then painted.  We peeled all the wallpaper, then washed the glue off the walls, painted the walls and repainted the trim.

These suckers were no help at all, but had a lot of fun throughout the process.

We have met a carpenter (Damond) who began to help us out with little (and slightly big!) projects, and quickly became one of our closest friends here.  He is pictured above, cutting out the wall between the dining and living room to make the doorway bigger, and give the allusion of more space.  All the walls are plaster (old skool) and are crazy-hard to alter.  But Damond can do it all.  :)

Post-paint job and pre-furniture explosion.  This was the day I got my new natural-fiber area rug.  Love it.

I have realized that although I would love to be super talented when it comes to decorating, and vision, and taste....sadly, I am not.  No matter how hard I try...I just don't have that gift.  This girl, however, DOES.  Above is Jeannie, my neighbor and what I affectionately refer to as my "life stylist."  The girl has some serious skillz, and is responsible for almost every decision in the remodel/redecorating project.  Love ya Jeannie.

So...that concludes the tour of room #1.  Hope you had as much fun as we did, and just think - you didn't even have to sweat at all or pay for anything.  Stay tuned for more.

Christmas

Christmas was awesome this year.  Awesome.  Being our first Christmas in Omaha, and in our new house...I knew it was going to be special - but I underestimated the specialness.  I underestimated the feeling of being with the most important people in my life on a day with such meaning with nothing to do but show each other how much we love each other and looouuunnngeee.

We spent Christmas Eve with friends.  The kids played...scurrying around from upstairs and back down.  No cross words, just giggles.  The parents played as well.  True to form...my lack of moderation proved to be my downfall.  I celebrated with a motto - go hard or go home.  Needless to say, I didn't go home - not early, anyway. 

When we finally did get home, and it was indeed go-time, I have to admit that I was the weak link.  Poor Shawn had to assemble toys, put in batteries and decipher what little codes I had put on the bottom of certain packages that were from old st nick.  Did I mention having him around is better than any gift in the world?  Yep...pretty much. 

But Christmas morning was when the storybook unfolded (minus the red wine headache on my part.  ouch.).  Rexy woke up first and we were able to sneak him into our bed and satisfy him with a cup of milk and cartoons for 20 minutes until Roanin woke up.  The bigger one did not forget who had come to visit the night before, and dragged us all downstairs to check for evidence as soon as he was up. 

And evidence we found.  The boys tore into gifts and Shawn and I took turns trying to snap pictures and video in between our own delighted squeals.  It is so true that you relive life through the eyes of your children.  And this was a moment for both Shawn and I. 

After gifts, we started our new tradition of watching ET as a family (special because it was the first movie seen in a theatre by both Shawn and I -- we were also able to make it Roanin's first movie in a theatre when we took him to a special showing when he was 2).  The afternoon consisted of naps, mimosas, king crab legs, friends, laughs, card games and just bliss. 

I feel so fortunate this year.  So fortunate to have these three guys to spend both the special and unspecial days with.  So fortunate for no "plans" but the best Christmas Day experience ever.  No expectations were set...we just went with it and it blew all of our minds.  I have never felt closer to my family.  I am excited about the year ahead.

Hope your Christmas was special...