So, about that break. 

It is not as dramatic as I would have predicted.  In fact, I would have put large sums of money on the fact that my break would be the most over-the-top, dramatic, loud, wild, emotional and crazy that would be possible for a human.  And I waited, and waited, and waited...

Nuttin'.

Maybe 2 weeks ago, I started to feel something stirring.  Something I had not felt before.  It wasn't definitive, it wasn't clear.  It wasn't anything I could exactly put my finger on.  After a week, I mentioned to Shawn that I was feeling weird.  Like I something was brewing inside of me.  He encouraged me to tell him about it, but I couldn't even put it into words.  But holding off on words isn't really my thing, so I tried.  It went like this:

"I don't know...I feel like something is changing with me.  Something inside.  Something deep.  Like I want a change.  Like I want everything different." 

His guesses included the start of my period, the need for a babysitter, or maybe the long awaited break.  I told him to give me more time. 

The next week included more whispers from my soul.  Ones that I couldn't ignore.  Moments during the day where I had a clear question in my head of who I am.  Who the hell am I?  And the more I thought about it, the more I didn't know.  Sure I know the things most of us know...I am a decent mommy, attempting to be a good wife, an exerciser, an academic, a learning seamstress, an ok gardner and a dedicated friend.  I know I am anxious and that my go-to emotion is anger.  I know that I am disciplined and that I love routine.  I am a doer, not a dreamer.  I am an early-to-bed, early-to-rise kind of a girl.  But in all of this, I started to realize...I don't know who I am.  I don't know Sarah. 

My immediate plan was to think through who I want to be and then line up who I actually am with that as quickly as possible.  But herein lies the problem.  As much as I tried, I couldn't clearly figure out who I even want to be.  I couldn't describe what I love.  I couldn't articulate quickly the person I want to be me.  I know exactly what other people want me to be.  I know Roanin and Rexy want a fun, constant and interactive mommy.  I know Shawn wants a devoted and happy wife.  I know my friends want a rowdy girl with listening ears.  I know my ex-parents wanted a punching bag and a scapegoat.  I know my community wants a giving and compliant citizen.  I know my God wants a willing and faithful heart.  But I don't know what Sarah wants.  I never have.

And then I was chatting on the phone with a girlfriend and she made a comment that made me stop dead in my tracks.  She said that she had been reading my blog and that she felt bad because it seemed all rainbows and unicorns over in my house and that she is having trouble even enjoying her family each day.  She asked if that was truly how it was.  She remembered that I had committed to having a truthful blog, and wanted to make sure that what I was portraying was indeed, the truth.  I said yes, that things with the kiddos are that great.  And the house renovation is going great.  And that Shawn and I are really good right now.  BUT...what I didn't tell her was that I was ommitting the part that wasn't so peachy right now.  Inside isn't all rainbows and unicorns.  It's all dark, confused and mysterious.  The relationship I have with myself is what I am not currently writing about on the blog, and that is not being truthful or honest.  And you know why?  Because I writing about what everyone else wants to hear doesn't involve knowing what I want to write about.  It doesn't require me to know myself and then let that shine.

I.am.breaking.  I am finally breaking because I finally want to be Sarah.  I finally want to figure out who Sarah wants to be and then have a blast each day trying to make that happen.  So maybe this is why the break is not so much earth-shattering, but more of a disintegration of all the bazillion little cracks I have in my soul from living 36 years on other people's terms.  Meeting other people's expectations before knowing my own about my self and evaluating if I am willing to do that. 

So, you see...this break is amazing.  It is not a break-down.  It is a freaking break-through.  And you know how I know it is real?  Because it came up all by itself.  I came up with it all by myself.  It wasn't shoved down my throat by my father and step-mom as a way of improving...it wasn't read in a self-help book or a parenting magazine...it wasn't suggested by my husband as a way to be happy or given to me by a friend as a way that she figured it all out.  It was by me, and only about me.  Which is exactly what the problem is about.

Hold on for the ride of your life, folks.  You are going with me.