Searching New Hampshire for Sarah

A couple of weeks ago I took my first physical trip in the journey to figure out who I am.  I jumped a plane (and by that I mean got on one, not hijacked one) and landed in New Hampshire.  I had found a retreat online that looked right up my alley.  Turns out, I was right.  Maybe I know myself better than I thought I did.

SQUAM  Lake from the top of Rattlesnake Mountain

This was my 'hood for 5 (FIVE!!) days. 

I flew into Manchester, and took a shuttle the hour and a half into the perfect woods with some other girls who were also headed to the retreat.  We talked the shuttle driver into making this our first stop.  You know it is gonna be a good trip when this happens. 

Kilcare Cabin (aka Home Sweet Home)

Once I arrived, I made my way to this little cabin to which I was assigned with 8 of the coolest chicks on the planet.

My roomie and owner of the best laugh on the planet, Faye (aka: FRYE)

Mary Beth, Emily, and Kelly knitting on our dock

And so we set up shop, threw our crap into drawers and settled in.  We ate, took classes, ate some more, rested, snacked, embroidered, hiked, ate again, laughed, knitted, drank wine, took pictures, ate yet again, and all shared one tiny shower. 

Me gettin' my knit on....

I even took a very (VERY!) cold but refreshing swim in the lake after a hike one morning.  It was amazing.  Once I jumped in...I couldn't breathe for like 10 seconds.  But once my body got used to it, or became totally numb, it was bliss. 

I spent the first day and a half just decompressing from my real life.  For me, and for most moms, it takes me a while to switch from my normal routine mentality to vacation mode.  But once I got in the groove, it was amazing to not have to be responsible for anyone but myself.  I made decisions based on what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do them.  I actually got to spend time figuring out what I wanted to do, and then doing it. 

This got me thinking about whether this is possible in my real life.  Why don't I do what I want to do?  Of course, I am responsible for two little munchkins who need care and structure, and food, and naps, and blah, blah, blah...but is it possible to still accomplish all of those things while still aspiring to be me and do things for myself?  I think it is.  But I'm not good at it.  It takes practice.  I had trouble doing it in New Hampshire with time allotted just for that exact purpose.  But I found, once I let go and just searched my inner self, it became easier.  And it felt good.  And I began to dream, for the first time since becoming a mother - or an adult for that matter, about living this way. 

Emily, Kate and Moi (clearly past decomression mode)

Looking back, I think I have spent the majority of my life not knowing who I am or what I like because I was trying to become someone that my parents would love.  I was always reading their subtle, and sometimes not so subtle cues, on what made them happy and then trying to become that.  I became the person I thought they wanted me to be, instead of being the person I was meant to be.

  And it still wasn't enough. 

I never, ever, not in a million years, want to send this message to my boys.  I want them to feel my love for them at their core.  I want them to know that the seed of love for them was planted in my heart before I even knew I was pregnant with either of them and that it grows every second of every day REGARDLESS of how they looked when they were born; REGARDLESS of how quickly they potty-trained; REGARDLESS of their behavior; REGARDLESS of who they will become friends with or who they will marry; REGARDLESS of if they attend college or not; REGARDLESS of their sexual orientation; REGARDLESS of whether they get sick or stay well; REGARDLESS of whether we see eye to eye or not; REGARDLESS of everything.  I will love them simply because they are themselves.  And I will be their biggest supporter and the loudest cheerleader in their journey to figure out who that is.

And that is why this journey was significant.  It was the physical manifestation of the start of that journey for me.  A journey to find out who I am, what I like, and the beginning of the belief that I am worth it.  Who I am inside is worth it.  I am worth a trip to New Hampshire.  I am worth the time the girls in my cabin gave to listen to bits and pieces of my story.  I am worth the frustration the knitting teacher probably felt showing me how to decrease and increase stiches for the 14th time.  I am worth the journey to find myself.  I am worth love.

Sweater for Rex (originally for Roanin but a miscalculation resulted in a change of plans)

I came home with several fruits of my labor, as well as a head full of dreams of what I can do in the future....

Handmade skirt with invisible zipper (HOLLA!), pockets and a waistband. 

Me modeling the un-ironed new skirt.  Photo taken my Roanin.

It was so good to come home to all three of my boys.  The best part?  Coming home with a plan to show my boys how love themselves by loving myself.