danger

There is a certain danger with motherhood, especially with making a choice to stay at home while you raise your kids.  It was never listed on the job description of mom as a possible danger, and the skills needed to overcome it weren't identified.  But still it exists and seems to gather strength the longer my kids are on this earth.

The danger is to compare yourself.  To look at the other ways that people are mothering, and to judge what you are doing and what you are not doing (heavy emphasis on the latter).  In the age of social media and a constant influx of pictures and little snippets of what everyone is doing and how cute and perfectly they are doing it...it can sometimes be easy to disregard the real life struggles and imperfections that inevitably exist in everyone's lives, especially mothers.  I sometimes find myself reading words of others or hearing stories of acquaintances who seem to have it all together.  They are able to seamlessly take all seventeen of their children to the most educational and stimulating experiences while having them impeccably dressed and well mannered.  Or she is able to work a meaningful and fulfilling job which challenges her to reach her full potential while bringing in tons of cash for their beautiful family who welcome her graciously as soon as she returns home.  Or they publish beautiful pictures of the elaborate meals they prepare, three times a day for their thriving children.  Or the visions of kids living without tvs, and no video games, and no chocolate or sweets, or the unicorns that graze by sunrise in their back lawns, or the WHATEVER.

The point is...everyone has their strengths.  Everyone has their weaknesses as well.  It is important for me to keep this in mind and know that it is not a competition and that one of the best services that I can do for my children and my family is to do the best I can but not waste my energy on any of the other thoughts.  Thoughts of what I could have done better, or the things I didn't even get to.  Thoughts of what I neglected or forgot or just avoided because I didn't really want to.

I am figuring out that I am a messy person.  I wish it wasn't but the truth is that I am.  I think that it actually stems from a tad bit of perfectionism...in that I wait until I have the time to clean/organize/purge efficiently and perfectly and that rarely exists so I end up not doing it.

My inbox (translation: the INSANE amounts of paper I get from the mail, the kids school, Shawn, the newspaper, etc) has been piling up like you wouldn't believe.  I spend my time doing things that will show me what I productive and competent person I am like painting and planting because they have a physical output.  But paperwork?  fuuugeetaboutit.

So cue the first morning after a long and frivolous spring break.  Everyone is 20 minutes behind what they should be.  It is kind of raining.  I see Shawn off and am just finishing up packing the boy's lunches when I suddenly have a panicky thought.  Didn't I remember seeing a flyer from school about something we needed to do over spring break for Roanin's class?  Of course, that would require me to actually find the flyer so that I could even see what the heck it was talking about.  We have exactly 50 minutes to start and finish getting ready for school.  I get the kids to start eating their breakfast and start rummaging through what looks like one of the Egyptian pyramids, but is actually my mound of papers that need to be sorted through.  Ten minutes in and three distractions later, I find it.  A yellow half sheet of paper that might as well have been a kick in the gut.  "As you know your child will be taking their first field trip to the Orchestra on Tuesday (ok - note to self that is tomorrow) and in preparation we would like for you to construct a homemade bongo set over spring break that the children can use in class on Monday."

Homemade bongo set.  I look at the clock.  We now have 37 minutes to finish eating, get dressed, drive to the school....oh...and HANDMAKE A BONGO SET.

This is where of my self doubt and feelings of inadequacy start to take the lead.  How can I not just keep my papers organized?  I have two family calendars, why can I not put either into action?  Why did I just put off this project for a full uninterrupted week only to realize I have a hot minute to get it done?

But in a moment of not typical Sarah form, I ignored all that crap and just focused on making it happen.  I sent the boys to their room to get dressed while I scoured the basement looking for supplies.  I ignored what sounded like a smackdown upstairs to have a little victory dance over finding two canisters of coffee creamer I had impulsively purchased at Costco two weeks earlier.  I actually laughed instead of cussing or crying when the method I was using to empty said contents of the canisters into gallon size ziplocs failed causing me to lose a LARGE amount of creamer down the drain.  I put the boys on decoration patrol of the canisters while I searched frantically for duct tape, also known as the kingpin to my shady bongo plan.  After 10 minutes (10 minutes of which I did not have FYI) of searching every inch of everything, I freaked a small amount because I could not find duct tape.  anywhere.  I called Shawn, my safe spot, and spoke some sort of angry mom in a hurry mumbo jumbo.  He totally translated and understood.  He asked if I needed him to leave work and bring me some duct tape.  I was starting to feed into the drama and sharply said something like "I don't even have time to decide..." and hung up.  classy.  Three more minutes inched me closer to control and I knew I could do this thing.  I found a few more supplies, finished dressing the boys and made an executive decision that a visit to Target would be an integral part of our remaining 10 minutes.

I called Shawn to tell him I had gotten clarity and that I was on a roll and would be fine.  He was already in a grocery store by his work in the duct tape aisle.  Did I mention I love this guy?  Who is willing to leave work on a rainy Monday morning with a schedule packed full of important meetings to deliver duct tape to his frantic wife for an emergency bongo set of all things?  Shawn.  *sigh*  I told him to abort mission and that I was going to rock this thing.

We hit Target like a freight train.  We spent 4 minutes in the back of the car using the duct tape to make the vision a reality.  With a minute and a half to get to school, we took time for a few victory shots.

So, do I feel like I am accomplishing motherhood like a champion?  Not most of the time.  Do I sometimes look at or listen to others around me and feel a little inadequate or under prepared?  Of course.  Do I feel like I am making a difference and changing the world?  Not every day.

But I will tell you something.  I made a working decorated bongo set complete with a neck strap and cute player in less than 40 minutes today.  And that, my friends, is a skill I think everyone wants in a life or death scenario.

photo by Roanin.  ps-making myself presentable was not on the agenda this morning.  clearly.