Holiday - Part 2

Yep, we made it to Christmas Day.  And it just kept getting better and better.  

I gotta say...I know what people are talking about when they suggest having a happy holiday.  With nothing to really do but be together and just hang, we ended up doing just that.  And it was wonderful.  I kinda cringe when I think about going back to real life.  Even more cringe-producing is the thought of actually cleaning this place up after all this.

The Holiday - Part 1

Christmas break has been so great...so unicorns and rainbows...I am going to have to split it into two posts.  It is just that good.  Shawn has been off for 2 weeks, it snowed, the word from Santa was he finished up all his business before the kids let out of school, it's just the four of us and we have been on serious vacay.  

And we haven't even gotten to Christmas yet.  *sigh*

the maze

I, like most I assume, don't really have a clear image of how I maneuvered my way around the awkward and yucky maze of childhood in which you figure out yourself and where you fit with your peers.  I remember bits and pieces, of course, of both the highs and the lows.  I remember moving to a new school in second grade.  I remember the apprehension before each first day of school and wondering if it was all going to be okay.  I remember in fourth grade one of the boys in my class using the word "boner" and feeling so out of it because I had no idea what that meant or why everyone else was laughing.  So I laughed anyway.  I remember being a freshman in high school and lying to all my girlfriends about the fact that I had started my period even though it would be another year before I actually did.  But I also remember being one of the first girls in my school to wear the "MC Hammer" long-crotched pants and loving that people asked me what they were and where they could get some.  I remember being what seemed like the only human in the entire high school who still brought a brown bag lunch and still eating it proudly while the others scarfed down Salisbury steak. 

Most of that maze seemed difficult, but overall I made it through.  Six years ago, or maybe even last year, if you would have asked me about it I would have shrugged it off as a rite of passage and something everyone goes through...not that big of a deal.  Because despite my struggle to figure out who I am and what I am worth, I have consistently remained outwardly confident.  I never hesitated to do what I wanted or say what I felt in front of my peers.  My hesitation was more centered on my actions and feelings in front of my family.  But my peers have always and continue to feel like a safe little haven where I can be who I want to be and do what I want to do.  I never hesitate to throw a party, to have too much wine, to second guess why I am in aisle 8 of the grocery store in the same pajama bottoms that I have worn two nights in a row, to tell a joke in front of a group or teach a class at the university.  It just comes naturally.

Now that I am a mama, and really within this last year, I see it from a different perspective, though.  I see it through the eyes of my eldest son.  A boy with fierce emotions and feelings.  A boy with an outwardly shy disposition.  A follower.  A pleaser.  And I have to tell you, folks...the view sucks.  I have begun to see an inward struggle (and more and more frequently an outward expression) in my little man's mind.  A struggle between what he may want to do and what he thinks his peers want him to do.  Refusing a hat on a frigid day because it is the same hat a little girl made fun of him in the week before.  Shying away from his favorite Spiderman shirt for fear of other kids thinking he "looks silly."  Reporting to me after I ask if he worked on his South America map at school, that so-and-so didn't feel like working on it today so we chose something else.  Not including his gregarious little 3-yr-old brother on the playground because his big boy friends don't want little boys to play (this one didn't go over well with Mama Bear). 

It has started ever so subtly, but has struck a nerve in this nervous mommy who tends to freak out with each new parenting challenge.  I am not so naive to think that this doesn't happen to every kid at some point in time.  I am also not arrogant enough to believe that my children are destined to be leaders and trendsetters and problem-free.  But, I am the type of person who thrives on watching human dynamics and makes every attempt to analyze situations and ward off problems that are within my control. 

But, perhaps that is the problem?  Maybe this little boy feels so secure and well tended to that when he enters the big, bad world without his servant problem-solver attendant mother, he defers to whoever he feels most comfortable with to make his decisions for him.  Even if those kids are making poor decisions. 

I don't necessarily think that being a follower is a negative.  Although, our society tends to send this message with leader being at the top of every positive feedback model known to man.  In all honesty, hearing the words "he likes to follow" at a parent-teacher conference was a bit unnerving.  But the more I thought about it in the days that followed, the more I saw the equal strength and good in that particular label.  I thought about the different roles that leaders and followers play - each being important.  I thought about the humility and patience it takes to be a follower.  I thought about the arrogance and aggressiveness I have used as a leader, sometimes resulting in disaster or hurt.  So, as foreign as it is to me, I accept and feel honored to watch and learn from this style.  Sometimes he will need this hat, and sometimes he will need to practice wearing the hat of leadership.  I know he is capable of both.

BUT, I want him to find his niche, with the main focus on being comfortable being himself.  I am frantically searching the back corners of my mind to figure out what the secret is and how I can help support him and encourage him through the first steps of this crazy maze. 

The worst news?  He is only 5 years old.  Does this really start this early?

The best news?  He is only 5 years old.  We have plenty of time to figure it all out, and I have plenty of love. 

girl interrupted

The soundtrack to my day goes something like this...

"MOM!  Mommy!  I need a snack...I need some juice...I need to go pee pee...I can't get my pants open!...I just peed on the floor in the bathroom...can I have a friend over...can you get me a snack...Roanin just hit me...Rex stole my stickers...Professor just ate my beef jerky...I can't find my sock...I'm not ready for bed...I am not ready to get up...I am hungry...I am thirsty...I can't remember which one is my underwear drawer...I NEED YOU!  MOM!!!"

And the thing is, the soundtrack seems to be set on repeat. 

And sometimes I let it frustrate me.  But I recently read a new perspective (sorry...I am so bogged down with requests I can't even remember where I read it).  Basically, the person was explaining that every time you get interrupted, it means you are needed.  Someone needs you. 

So in these long days of mothering littles, I suddenly have music in my ears all day long.  Of two little boys who still need me.  I hope I never forget the sound of it.

*photos by Rex after hijacking my phone

Thanksgiving 2012 - Framily Style

This Thanksgiving was AWESOME.  Like...maybe the best one I have ever had.  Let me explain...

 

I have been working with my therapist to move through my grief about my family stuff in the past.  One of the key points he has brought to my attention is that I have been unsuccessfully attempting to get water out of a stone.  Imagine being unbelievably parched...like you have walked through the desert...and each time you try to get some relief-some sweet, nourishing water-the big ole fat boulder that you try to squeeze gives you nothing.  nada.  zilch. 

His solution was simple.  Go to where the water is.

It turns out, the water is about a 12 hour car ride away.  So my sweet man did what I needed him to do, and he loaded everything up and drove me and my little munchkins to the biggest waterfall in the world (aka: Aunt Steph's house).

This girl.  We have been through it all...but finally decided to make it official and breach the friendship line and dive straight into sisterhood.  And boy, was that a good decision.

Steph and I cooked a monster meal while the kids all played and giggled and just did what cousins do.

The meal was so good and so big, Stephanie had to actually lay down mid-meal and just rest her bones.  That, my friends, is the sign of a good time. 

 

And just when we thought heaven couldn't get any better...the third piece of our famous threesome brought her little family as well.  And now we had more kids, more food and more fun.

 

This girl was Head Kid Wrangler and kinda deserves some sort of prize.

The day before we left, we even got to see MORE friends...which was bliss. 

The Coles lived near us in Waco, but now live just a half hour from Aunt Steph's house.  The kiddos hadn't seen each other in almost 2 years.  And just as we suspected...they picked up right where they left off.

I want to seriously gobble up Asha's squishy, sassy little face. 

It is crazy how when I finally stopped looking to the rock, I actually found that I am SURROUNDED by endless sources of water.  Patiently waiting on me to accept the gift they are willing to freely give.

And so, this year, I finally quenched my thirst.  I received the love from my framily (friend+family=framily) and it turns out it tastes better than anything I can remember.  It tastes like champagne and low expectations.  It smells like hot cocoa and unconditional love.  It sounds like giggles and heart felt compliments.  It feels like happiness.

 

THANK YOU, Stephanie, for waiting for me to get here and then welcoming us so warmly.  I can't wait til next year.